On March 10th, the issue of awarding 72 virgins to each suicide bomber was explored. Another part of this profound theological problem concerns the rewards, if any, for failure. Many times, suicide bombers and bomberettes make mistakes with their detonation devices and blow themselves up.
Co-religionists of a theological bent worry about this. The Sueemis think that a suicide bomber (they do not address the sex or number of virgins, if any, awarded to suicide bomberettes) who is blown to bits while assembling or prematurely detonating the bomb gets the full allotment of 72 virgins after death. “His heart was pure, his intentions were good, and he should be awarded accordingly.”
Sheeists are as harsh as Calvinists in their assessment of failure. “Failed suicide bombers are an embarrassment. They get no beautiful virgins at all. They are the despised of Paradise. They spend eternity with grotesquely ugly prostitutes disfigured by horrible diseases.”
Imramists take a middle ground. “Failed martyrs do get 72 virgins, but only after the successful martyrs are finished with them.”
Theology Departments at many universitites are struggling with this problem. The issue has become so divisive that some faculties are recruiting suicide bombers and bomberettes to blow up those with whom they disagree.
“That is true scholarship. Those who are right will be those who are not blown up.”, agree spokesmen for all three sects.
