Once you’ve noticed those collection plates disappearing after they’ve been passed and filled, half with cash, you may “Hear the call!” to become an Evangelical Minister.
The full-throated roar of Pastor Bob’s jet coming and going from his nearby landing strip may be “the straw that broke the camel’s back” that makes you decide, as over 40,000 others have, “I wanna be an Evangelical Minister.”
Glad you’ve joined the fellowship! There are some things to learn. We’ve talked about The Great Commandment at the root of the Protestant Evangelical Ministers. It is to do nothing more complicated than frequently repeat “The most important thing we can do is believe in Jesus and the Bible.”
Who can argue with that? No one! You may say one, or both, of those two sentences, if you wish, at the conclusion of some impassioned recitations of “The most important thing we can do is believe in Jesus and The Bible. Who can argue with that? No one!” See how easy it is!
It is an important part of your Evangelical Training to get those sentences memorized properly and recited in order. If you get them mixed up and, for instance, say “No one! The most important thing we can do is argue with Jesus and The Bible” Who can?” I can guarantee you that you won’t end up with your own Personal Lockheed Mission Jet like the more successful Pastors Bob!
And, don’t try to excuse some mistake in reciting our Great Commandment as “individual interpretation”. Individual interpretations just confuse people and disrupt cash flows!
You must learn to recite the sentences properly. Practice using tones of varying intensity and incorporate creative numbers of syllables in both “Jesus” and “The Bible”. The largest number of syllables known to have been incorporated into saying the name “Jesus” was Je-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-SUS! by one of the Pastors Bob in Witchita. Ten syllables! One for each Commandment! One for each of the Northern Tribes! One for each of our ten fingers. Toes, too! See how easy it is to work lots of deep, deep symbolism into our Great Commandment?
For his efforts, that particular Pastor Bob was awarded an Honorary Doctorate in Advanced Theology by his Alma Mater, Schism Seminary. That framed momento of theological excellence is displayed proudly on his wall, along with a transcript of his half-completed Associate’s Degree in Criminal Justice.
It’s important to know that you do not need to be particularly intelligent or educated to be an Evangelical Minister. The Evangelical Ministry is, truly, an equal opportunity employer! All you need to do is repeat the three sentences you’ve learned.
Additional schooling, studying, and reading is rarely necessary. Frankly, the less you know about The Bible, history, and the actual teachings of Jesus, the better an Evangelical Minister you will be.
When you’ve memorized our Great Commandment, and the two follow-uppers, you may move into Schism Seminary’s Advanced Evangelical Ministry. It begins with learning to smile warmly with an intense stare focused right between the eyes of each person with whom you speak. Let it be known to your simpler followers that you are looking right into their soul.
Vital lessons in being an Evangelical Minister can continue after you’ve mastered these basic steps.
