Sometimes, even experienced Pastor Bobs get confused by different marketing plans from the 43,000 schisms claiming to be “Christian”. The competing, conflictging efforts of the three or four hundred thousand Pastor Bobs behind them can be very confusing. This update from Schism Seminary may help.
Good morning from Schism Seminary! Hope you are doing well, Pastor Bob. It’s always time to remind ourselves how important it is to remember the amazing discovery that every Pastor Bob makes: lapsed Catholics make the best Protestants! They still believe in The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! Catholics, even former ones, still think that God is real! And, their innate respect for their Catholic priests can carry over to you!
We’ve seen it tens of thousands of times. Old, tired Protestant schisms get tired. They’re burned out. They’ve heard all the old, boring hymns about the imaginary “Little Brown Church in The Vale” to the point of actual nausea. They’ve listened to professional evangelistic ministers beyond counting who’ve recited “Jesus, this is Jimmy” until they’ve run our of people who care.
Traveling missionaries have shown your congregation every picture of every starving African child there is. Your congregation, frankly, is bored. They are there because they’re too lazy to be anywhere else.
Get a few lapsed Catholics in your pews! They aren’t burned out! You’ll be amazed at what they can do!
Disaffected Catholics are the best members of our congregations! Many of them leave The Church because the priests are too busy to pay attention to them. Some of them are so needy for Praise, Approval, and self-centered Prayer that they’ll join your church in a jiffy, if you just invite them. Put them in charge of committees to find similarly needy Catholics. Praise them endlessly. “You must be smarter than Catholics who still believe that mumbo-jumbo!” (If you, Pastor Bob, need to study the latest ways to make it known that you provide Praise, Approval, and Prayer, order Schism Seminary’s new PAP update.)
The brighter Pastor Bobs are aware of another large group of former Catholics. Our Marketing Directors have analyzed hundreds of focus groups. No need to mention how bluntly, and almost crudely, they put their conclusions. To avoid offending anyone, just use “personal relationships” so their summary of how lapsed Catholics reads, “My personal relationships are more important than my soul.” Doesn’t that sound better than the biological basics? The bottom line is still the same: They leave The Church because they can’t receive Communion while they are in a relationship they don’t want to bother sanitizing with an annulment.
How does the effective Pastor Bob welcome them? You tell them, with all the sincerity you’ve rehearsed, “You are to be congratulated for not letting a bunch of old men tell you what to do! They can’t understand your deep needs and desires. You are a good person, and you are welcome in our fellowship.”
Every Pastor Bob should practice saying “You are a good person.” Use varying intonations to encourage people to believe that you care about them. On Mondays, put special emphasis on the “You”. “You are a good person.” On Tuesdays, make it “You are a good person.” Wednesdays should be “You are a good person.” Thursdays, “You are a good person.” Friday, “You are a good person.” On Saturdays, emphasize two words. “You are a good person.” Come up with your own plan for Sundays, when you have to tell everyone something as they go out the door what a good person they are. Don’t forget to vary the emphasis from week to week!
“You are a good person.” has been the very heart and soul of The Protestant Movement since Martin Luther said to “Sin boldly!” You don’t want to go that far, of course, but many won’t mind if you do. Remember, people do not join our little schisms because they respect us for being holy. People leave The Catholic Church and become Protestants because they want one thing: They want to do what they want to do and be provided with seemingly sound reasons to believe that they can still get into Heaven.
Telling every single person “You are a good person.” has been the heart and soul of the Protestant movement since its beginning. Fellowship, too. Don’t forget Fellowship. Then, tithing follows as naturally as the night the day.
