Inspiration! That’s one of our biggest jobs here at Schism Seminary. We want to inspire people, especially assistant pastors, youth ministers, and associate clergy! We need them to grow and understand: “You don’t have to be happy being subordinates!”
We know that inside every assistant pastor is a lion, waiting to roar! The fine faculty at Schism U believes in everyone! We believe in you!
It’s important that we remind prospective students to “Look up!” Especially when there’s an airplane overhead. “That plane may belong to a rich, multi-millionaire Schism-Inventor!” we remind them. “He’s on his way to some distant outpost of Christianity where he can Bring The Word! What are you doing? Planning a church luncheon for some old lady who might leave a few thousand dollars and some household items to the Senior Minister. That’s what you’re doing! What kind of way is that to spend your life?”
Then, we sing the first lines of our old Schism Seminary fight song: “You can make it, you can take it, now you can break free!”
Once we can get a junior clergyperson to feel a little bit of pride, some desire for a real house, a BMW for the wife, and tuition for the kids that doesn’t come from grubbing around some shrinking scholarship fund for The Children of Christian Clergy, we can pry them away.
And, we do.
Frankly, just between you and me, most of them really aren’t that bright. Really! How bright can you be if you believe that, as a 30 or 40 year old high school graduate with no real accomplishments, you’re going to have a Personal Lockheed Mission Jet? Sure, they want their own jet, and they’d love to have their own TV show. But, many are, well, just not overly bright. If they were, would they go deeply into debt to pay our tuition?
And, their clothes! You would not believe what some of these people wear! I mean, when they show up for Orientation Day at Schism Seminary, that’s when we realize we have our work cut out for us! Most look like they stepped out of a GQ issue that’s twenty years old. From haircut to shoes, we have to straighten ’em out!
And, their grasp of theology reflects their intellect! “Do you love the Lord?” is about as deep as most of them go. Some are a little brighter. A few will ask, “Do you really love the Lord?”
That’s pretty much what we’re stuck with.
And, we have to get them over the idea that they’re going to order their Personal Lockheed Mission Jet on Orientation Day. “No.”, we explain. “It’s not time for that, yet. First, you have to learn how to separate rich people from money. Then, after you’ve done that, skillfully avoiding having anyone think that you are offensively swollen with pride and greed, that’s when you get your Personal Lockheed Mission Jet.”
We don’t tell new students that the chances any one of them will ever have a church that has more people than can fit in a school bus are remote. And, we don’t let them know that out of several thousand graduates, only a dozen or so have their own Personal Lockheed Mission Jets and three acre parking lots around their huge mega-churches.
And, we certainly don’t tell them that taking donors away from successful mega-church multi-millionaires is about as easy as taking meat, barehanded, from the mouths of large, hungry dogs.
Is what we do here good for Christianity? In the long run, yes. A lot of our graduates end up being very angry as their dreams die, one by one. You won’t believe this, but we have a way to use them to make things better for the entire Christian Business Community. We blame their failure to find the riches they want on The Roman Catholic Church.
“If it weren’t for those Catholic priests, and those ridiculous vows of poverty, celibacy, and obedience, there’d be more money for the rest of us! There’d be some for you!”
Since the urge to blame others for personal failure is nearly universal, we, here at Schism Seminary, are helping everyone in the Business of Christianity.
