Young Pastor Bob’s Confession concerns were brought up in a chance meeting with Pastor Big Bob after his brief introductory talk to his new Franchisees. He had explained, briefly, about the new, complete Baptisms in the Giant Baptismal Fonts.
You’ve heard about them. Each one looks like a forty foot long section of The River Jordan, flowing with actual water shipped in from The River Jordan with a few palm and fig trees in the sandy beaches along both sides. The Church of The New Baptism baptizes so people can finally and totally be cleansed of their sins by being “Baptized the way Jesus was Baptized”.
“Pastor Big Bob, I understand how important it is to get those lapsed Catholic into our congregations. But, what do we tell lapsed Catholics about the Sacrament of Confession? Some of them may want to go to Confession in order to get Absolution. We Protestants can’t forgive sins. We can’t give absolution.”
“Don’ worry ’bout it. Iffin you wants to be a really Big Bob, wiffin yer own private jet like me, and a couple vacation houses on tropical beaches that you write off as ‘Foreign Missions’, you jes’ focus on the Confeshun parts, not that silly “Absolushun”.
“I don’t understand, Pastor Big Bob. I can listen to them tell me about what they’ve done wrong. Anyone can do that. But, what good is Confession without Absolution?
“Now, tha’s a reel smart qwestyun! Whatchu wan’ ’em to do is tell you what they’s done wrong. You was tellin’ me yestiddy ’bout that purty young gal named Tiffanella what got married to that reel rich guy wif’ a dozen Ford dealerships?”
“Oh, yes, a charming young lady.”
“Wal, I’s had a few dealin’s wiffin purty young gals ‘n the rich guys they’s hooked. Mebbe, iffin you kin get her confessin’, you’d find that when she were a high school cheerleader that she was doin’ some stuff she hadn’t oughter been doin’. You know, mebbe sum cocaine, ‘er somthin’. Why, she could even have a po-leece record. Drugs, prosteetushun, you never know. I’m jes sayin’ ‘mebbe’. But, iffen thar was somethin’ that mebbe she wouldn’t want no one to know ’bout, why, iffin you was to ask reel nice, she might as’ her rich husban’ to get sum donations rollin’ in fer yer overseas mission fund to get yurse’f started wif’ some of that beachfron’ property in Costa Rica that’s reel nice to have.”
“Oh.”, our ambitious young Protestant man with a Marketing Plan Confession concerns said, recoiling slightly in surprise at the uses to which “Confession” could be put.
“Oh!”, he said, again, as the full import of the old, extraordinarily wealthy Pastor Big Bob’s words began to sink in.
