Since Catholic Fundamentalism has been on Facebook, we’ve been provided with greater insight to Protestant thinking. Protestants, some of them ordained clergypersons, often write to express their disagreements with the Catholic Church in general and Catholic Fundamentalism in particular. Their arguments have certain similarities.
We have been assured that few people are more familiar with what’s necessary to get into Heaven than our dear Protestant friend, Pastor Pitstop. He tells what we must do to be saved.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
You Catholics over-complicate everything. You don’t understand how simple God’s love has made getting into Heaven. I, for instance, am going to Heaven. You Catholics might not think so, since I’ve been married two, almost three, times and divorced twice. But, that’s because you Catholics have made things too confusing.
How do I know I’m getting into Heaven? I’m not a cannibal, or something really bad. Not that cannibalism is bad, mind you. I certainly wouldn’t pass judgment. I am, essentially, a good person. All good people go to Heaven. How do I know I’m a good person? I know that I am a good person because I sincerely say that it is so. As a good person, I cannot lie.
Well, I did tell a little, tiny lie, last week. I was supposed to visit the kids I had with my second wife. They live in the Projects. I couldn’t go, not with my new car. Do you think I wanted that horde of juvenile delinquents that swarm around the Projects scratching it? No way! So, I said “I don’t feel well, so I’m not coming over this Christmas.” Wasn’t that nicer than saying “I’m not coming to visit you because I don’t want my new car vandalized?” Of course it was. It shows that I am a good person.
There’s another reason I have to take care of my new car. Mr. Wade Pitt, the owner of a dozen local McDonald’s, was the richest member of our 2nd United Independent Reform Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Church. I gave the eulogy at his funeral last month. “Pastor Pitstop”, his remarkably attractive young widow told me during one of my many, many visits with her after the funeral, “Too few people appreciate the endless hours and exhausting effort you put in, helping us to be us better Christians. Well, I want you to know that I truly do appreciate it.”
Then, she pressed a tiny box into my hand. I opened it. Inside was the key to my new Porsche! “I want you to have this beautiful new car as a symbol of my deep appreciation for all you do.” Justina told me as she stared deeply into my eyes.
Now, isn’t that nice? Now, of course, I can’t go visit my children in the Projects unless it’s raining or cold enough to keep those young criminals inside. But, you can see why it’s so important to keep those hooligans from damaging my car. Shouldn’t I show some respect for the fine automobile that Mrs. Justina Pitt, now, I call her ”Tina’, so generously gave me? What would she think of me if she saw that I’d let it be keyed or spray-painted by that gang of vandals in the Projects?
Besides, I may be able to get a new roof for my church out of her. Her deceased husband, Wade Pitt, was loaded! And, if I could get Tina to kick in for a kitchen update, maybe my true and good friend in every way, Ministeress Rayetteanne Oscar-Mayer would be willing to sell her church and move into my manse. Speaking of new kitchens! Justina’s kitchen is an absolute miracle!. Never saw anything like it. Do you know what that oh-so clever girl did? Tina had a medium-sized wine cooler bolted onto a Roomba, some sort of robot vacuum cleaner. She had it programmed. When she whistles, it automatically rolls over to the table, or out to the pool, or wherever we are when we need a fill-up. I have to tell Rayetteanne about that! Well, maybe, I don’t.
But, you see what I mean. The worst thing about you Catholics is thinking you can get into Heaven by paying more attention to God and less to what’s around us. You have priests, monks and nuns who take all sorts of extreme vows. They are celibate, poor, and obedient. They think those things are more important than being around Justina Pitt!
That doesn’t mean they’re better than me. No. I am not celibate because I believe we have a duty to enjoy God’s gifts. Is that so bad? Of course not. I don’t want to be poor, and I am obedient to my conscience. I won’t ever do anything that would keep me from being a good person.
Besides, who am I to pass judgment? Isn’t passing Judgment the greatest sin of all? Jesus said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” If I don’t say that someone did something bad, then Jesus can’t say that I did anything bad. So, I get into Heaven, since I can’t be judged. Moral neutrality is what gets us into Heaven. It is the very heart of the Protestant faith. Isn’t that a lot better than all that Catholic mumbo-jumbo?
I hope I’ve made you Catholics understand. You can’t get into Heaven by thinking about God all the time. Taking those vows! Why can’t you be like us? Live a little. Or, maybe a lot. Now that I’ve been spending time at the vast and lovely home of Justina Pitt, I can certainly see that those vows of poverty must be ever so boring. I’d much rather spend an evening by the pool with Tina and the Roomba-powered wine cooler than praying to some God Who might not even be there waiting for some Heaven that may not exist for a soul I’m not convinced I have.
On the other hand, there’s Justina Pitt. That’s for me!
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis T. Pitstop
Our Editor explained. At heart, they always believe that God won’t really judge them, because they say, so sincerely, ‘I am a good person’. Still, not a single one of them takes the biggest hint of all, from John, 6:53 “If you do not eat My Body and drink My Blood, you do not have life in you.” and make the connection between that and the One Church Jesus founded that provides the only place to receive His Body and Blood in Catholic Communion.
Why can’t they make that connection? They lack the sort of ‘life’ necessary to think this issue through clearly enough. They only have that life if they follow His instruction. First, they must believe. Then, they may obey and be saved.
