Today, a very disturbing message came in from our dear friend, Pastor Travis T. Pitstop. It appears that he has gotten himself in big trouble with his Board, and may lose his job. His plaintive message serves as a warning to all when dealing with various schismatics.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
I am in big trouble, and it’s all your fault. You remember that I wrote you about Reverend Donnie Brooke? He left his Independent Full-Gospel Baptist Church when he heard another calling. He bought a huge motor home, and drives his family, “The Babblin’ Brookes” from campground to campground. They sing hymns and spread The Gospel to millionaire owners and drivers of huge Recreational Vehicles.
He told me about his nationwide advertising campaign and explained that it was especially designed for churches like mine. “Here’s how it works. For a donation of $5,000.00, I put the name, and the address, of your Padded-Pew Perkmistianist Church on the side of my giant RV, right between the two huge crosses. It’s just like a race car having a ‘PENNZOIL’ or ‘FIRESTONE’ logo on it. For another $5,000.00, I also print your church’s name and address on every single Camp Bulletin we give to worshipful Christians in RV campgrounds from one end of the country to another.”
“Wow! That would get our name and address in front of a lot of wealthy, church-going people all over America!”
“That’s right!”, he said. “Those RV people are all richer’n sin. Every Sunday, hunnerds more of ’em will be seein’ yer name ‘n yer address on their bulletins ‘n makin’ plans to stop by when they get anywhere near you. When they get close, they’ll be looking for your church. Why, we’ve had ministers get their entire ten thousand dollar investment back after a dozen or so millionaire RV owners stopped by. They’ve got so much money they can keep moving even when gasoline’s five dollars a gallon. When, it’s less, they give even more.”
Well, I was convinced. I gave him a check for ten thousand dollars.
I know, I should have had Board Approval for anything over $50.00, but he said this opportunity was too important to wait two days until the next Board Meeting. “I don’ want ter be goin’ over to Minister McMacMack’s Mighty Mountain Mega-Church ’cause yer l’il church here is the one that reely needs them millionaire RVers donatin’ to it. I’d like to wait fer your meetin’, but I got to be on the road today fer the really big RV Reevival hunnerts of miles West of here. I’m scheduled to preach, so I got to be headin’ out, pronto.”
I knew that if I didn’t sign up, Minister McMacMack would. He would get all those millionaire RV drivers going to Minister McMacMack’s Mighty Mountain Mega Church, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. At our meeting two days later, I told the Board about the marketing investment I’d made.
That awful Nancy Pickee is on our Board. She’s a hotshot CPA, always talking about our churches negative spiritual return on investment, since we lose more members than we gain. “Pastor Pitstop, you had no right to give this supposedly “reverend” Donnie Brook ten thousand dollars without Board Approval! Did you check his records? His references? Did you do any investigating?”
Nancy Pickee started calling around. A week later, she gave me the painful news: “Several years ago, four churches in this County made similar donations. None of them ever had a single visit from a millionaire RV driver. Besides, how many of those giant RVs could fit in our tiny parking lot? How could they ever make the turn between the ‘Welcome Stranger’ signs? Where would they turn around? Attorneys General in two states are looking for him, and you gave him our entire Roofing Fund.”
So, our Board is calling a special meeting. I may lose my job. Was I wrong? I only tried to help my church. I was only trying to help. Is that so bad? Is it right that I should be fired for trying to help my church?
Can you imagine that a Protestant clergyman could be involved in a fraud? Especially, defrauding another Protestant clergyman?
Maybe, I should have an RV Ministry.
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis Pitstop
