Many who encourage suicide bombers feel that such martyrs will receive seventy two virgins when they enter Paradise. Few of us can figure out what anyone would do with such a number, and what the other seventy one are doing at any given time (playing cards, watching television, doing their hair?). Other questions arise.
Will the martyr have sex with them? After he has sex with them, they will no longer be virgins, so what happens to them? Do they disappear, or does he throw them away? Will he only have sex 72 times, after which more virgins appear?
The question has divided many into sects. The Sueemis believe that the seventy two virgins are accompanied into Paradise by a Japanese plastic surgeon, who, by operating, continually restores the deflowered virgins.
Others are outraged. “The virgins don’t need surgeons. They stay virgin forever!”, insist the Sheeists.
“If the martyr has sex with them, how can they be virgins?” the Sueemis reply. The argument quickly turns to blows, AK-47s, and bombs.
The Imramist sect believes that the virgins are symbolic, but that line of thought has eliminated most of their young suicide bombers. “I’m not blowing myself up for 72 imaginary virgins!”, they insist. As a result, young, violent Imramists tend to become Sueemis and Sheeists. To keep them in the fold, Imramist theologians have issued a fatwa proclaiming that “maybe” and “in some cases” the virgins are more than merely symbolic.
Imramists teach that food, clothing, and the necessities of life are provided for the martyr and his possibly real virgins in Paradise, so the Imramist martyr no longer has to work. Imramists attract the laziest suicide bombers.
Sueemis believe that the basics are provided in paradise, but that they will have to work to provide their seventy two virgins with luxuries. There is a vague conception of factories in the sky at which the martyr and his virgins can find lucrative employment manufacturing meteorites.
Sheeists believe that in Paradise, they will be given farms, seeds, tools, and implements to make a living for themselves and their seventy two virgins on celestial farms. Extreme Sheeists believe they will travel around the galaxy in Rolls Royces the size of Greyhound busses on flying carpets. Their sect is divided, again, into those who believe the martyr rides in the front of the Rolls and those who believe he rides in a throne in the back. Others wonder if one of the virgins will be allowed to guide the vehicle, and if she will need a driver’s licence that necessitates a photo ID. If the martyr is too good to drive, and the 72 virgins are unqualified, will there be a male driver? Will he be a eunuch? Courses, in what are called ‘universities’ study such issues endlessly.
Another division between the three groups concerns children in Paradise. Imramists believe that the martyr may have children with the virgins. Sheeists think they will have one child per year per virgin, and Sueemis think that there will be no children.
The recent rise of female suicide bombers has caused new questions to be asked. “Do I get seventy two virgins, too?”, young suicide bomberettes ask. “They better be men!”
“You dare not think so!”, insist Imramist, Sueemi, and Sheeist men, suddenly in total agreement. “That would be a sin. If you even think about committing such a sin, we will stone you to death. What is proper for the bomber is not proper for the bomberette.”
