A Protestant man with a Marketing Plan decides “I want to make a living by Preaching the Gospel! It beats working!” Then, they run into the sad reality. Both old and small Protestant Churches are dying on the vine.
Methodists, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Baptists and the other Franchise Outlet Protestant denominations are declining with accelerating speed. There are fewer young couples and they are having fewer children. In most churches, the hair that remains is white or gray.
TV ministries are booming. So are many mega-churches. Successful Pastor Bobs grasp the subtle realization: My real appeal is to audiences whose most complex religious thoughts are “We are Caring and Sharing and Headed for Heaven!”
A Protestant man with a Marketing Plan knows he must provide some reminders and associations with Jesus. “Focus groups report there is a negative reaction to direct, visual references of Jesus being nailed to a Cross. Our audience does not enjoy such unpleasant thoughts, so I don’t, either.”
A Protestant man with a Marketing Plan, like the 43,000 Pastor Bobs before him, will have plain, unadorned crosses inside and outside what he hopes will become his own giant, “Bible-believing, Evangelical, Family Victory Church; Your Very Own Doorway to Heaven!”
As his predecessors, a Protestant man with a Marketing Plan will stay in the mainstream of Protestant Theology and its deep-thinking theologians: “We don’t want any paintings, pictures, or statues showing Jesus being whipped, bloodied by disgusting thorns, struggling to carry His cross, or being nailed to and hanging agonizingly from it! We do want pictures of the Empty Tomb. Why? I want the kind of people in My Church who believe God will empty their grave immediately!”
A Protestant man with a Marketing Plan also has enough sense to avoid any focus on The Blessed Mother of Jesus. “We don’t want young mothers wasting their time taking care of their children! If both parents work, they can pay more tithes! We want both parents working! Double tithes! It’s their Christian duty to put their kids in day care and get jobs! We’ll have our own Bible-believing Evangelical, Family Victory Church Child-Care. It’s another profit center to help our Good Works for Jesus!”
Today, a Protestant man with a Marketing Plan also focuses on Baptism. “Everybody likes to have their sins washed away. We’re going to follow the very latest in Baptismal Theology! My Bible-believing, Evangelical, Family Victory Church will have re-Baptisms at the age of 30 or older because any Baptisms made before the time Jesus thought He was old enough to be Baptized simply cannot count.”
Progressive Pastor Bobs go farther. “And, we will have our Baptisms in the new, Giant Baptismal Fonts, with realistic shorelines replicating The River Jordan. Real water from The River Jordan will be used. It will flow through the Giant Baptismal Font so that people can be baptized Just Like Jesus Was. I am even going to buy one of those camel-hair outfits and a leather belt from Proper Baptism, Inc. so that I dress up like John the Baptist!”
“I am going to have The Best Church Ever!” says a Protestant man with a Marketing Plan!
