The Iron Law of Protestantism has always been: “The Newest Protestant Denomination is the Best Protestant Denomination”. Shrinking denominations have brought a new Protestant Law: Consolidation is King! into being.
An example of the new Protestant Law: Consolidation is King! is coming into being right now.
The newest of the 45,000 Protestant Denominations was invented by The Reverend Dickie Duck a few months ago.
He realized that early denominational documents of his former denomination had been corrupted. “In our Original Denominational Documents, our own ODD, our denomination’s name was properly spelled: “The Jehovah’s Wetness”. The fact is that each of us must be re-baptized every time we go to church!”
The Reverend Dickie Duck realized those documents had been lost. “Or”, he hinted, “they were intentionally misspelled by a few self-serving leaders!” The Reverend Dickie Duck realized that a True Christian had to be baptized by total immersion exactly 2,300 times.
THE PROPOSED MERGER:
Everyone has heard of the Great Pastor Bob! It was Pastor Bob who invented The Church of The Perfect Baptism! His Baptismal font is an above-ground narrow pool, “exactly as deep and wide as The River Jordan”! It is on a stage in front of every franchised Church of The Perfect Baptism.
Satellites send signals to each Baptismal Pool directly from The River Jordan. The water flows at exactly the same speed of the water that’s flowing in The River Jordan at the very moment of each Perfect Baptism!
His patented Baptismal Crane lowers the person into the Baptismal Pool. It faces them upstream, downstream, and sideways. In each position, the Baptized person is rotated clockwise and counter-clockwise. Upside down, and right-side up!
The process is so thorough that each person is promised to have been baptized “Just like Jesus was baptized!”
A “money-back guarantee” is given! Any Baptizee who is NOT allowed into Heaven gets double their money back!
Pastor Bob and The Reverend Dickie Duck met at a Marketing Seminar. Many ambitious Protestants in shrinking denominations were there to learn the techniques of “Surviving by Consolidation”
THE NEW CORPORATE CONGLOMERATE:
“We should consolidate!”, Pastor Bob told The Reverend Dickie Duck! “You guys re-baptize everyone every time they go to church. You need lots of baptisms! And, and I’ve got the only patented Baptismal process that’s guaranteed to get people baptized ‘just like Jesus’!”
Pastor Bob and the Reverend Dickie Duck were quick to obey the new Protestant Law: Consolidation is King!
Their lawyers are negotiating about one very serious question. Which of these very holy men will get the largest, fastest personal jet in their combined fleet?
Such problems will be solved! Maybe, they will draw lots! The smarter Protestants are all obeying the new Protestant Law: Consolidation is King!
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