Another Protestant minister attacks Little Fred! The Reverend Knowal Blowhardt is helping Pastor Bob go after Little Fred and the Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!
“We Protestant Ministers are sick and tired of being treated like second-class citizens! We borrowed the money to finance the Purchase of our Preferred Protestant Marketing Plan from Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.! We worked hard! We turned the Protestant Marketing Plans that we purchased into profitable denominations!
“It’s not fair! We should be respected enough to be considered as replacements for Little Fred! It is discrimination to think we are not capable of running the great Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!”
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Reverend Knowal Blowhardt has an impressive resume! His personally written biography tells us that he is a brilliant Old Testament scholar. And, a semi-professional astronomer! He once served as an Assistant sub-Deacon in one denomination! He led an Organizing Drive for another former denomination’s Ushers’ Union!
Unlike most Protestant ministers, he has deep environmental concerns for the earth! He supports movements to ban drilling deeper than 212 feet for water, gas, and oil. “Drilling deeper than that is too close to hell! If we drill down to 213 feet, we let the demons come streaming out of the underworld! Deep drilling is what has caused every sin on earth to multiply!”
What other Protestant denomination has that much credibility with every environmentalist on earth?
His lengthy mail-order Seminary Studies led him to focus on the Old Testament references to “new moons” in The Bible.
He had a revelation! “A month with two ‘new moons’ is different from all other months! There are six regular days in the week, and months with ‘two moons’ have two holy days!” After much prayer and study, he realized that people would believe that God had chosen him to begin a New Denomination to celebrate the importance of every Holy Month with “two new moons”!
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His revolutionary idea was too big for him to handle! He did what every inventive Protestant theologian does! He contacted Little Fred, the Chief Executive Officer of Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.
“I want you to buy and refine my brand new Protestant Marketing Plan!”
Reverend Knowal Blowhardt explained it to Little Fred.
“I call it ‘The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters’. It is theologically, environmentally, and astronomically profound! Months with ‘two new moons’ are the only holy months. No one should attend any church at all in “unholy months” that do not have ‘two new moons’.”
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Little Fred loved it! “All those other Adventist Marketing Plans are vulnerable! They are old! They are boring! We will turn your Marketing Plan into real competition for their donors!”
An agreement was prepared by Attorney Jerry Rig. In the video-taped Signing Ceremony, Reverend Blowhardt was nearly weeping when he said, “I am honored to be associated with Little Fred and Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!
In the video-taped Signing Ceremony, Attorney Rig insisted that Reverend Knowal Blowhardt have his own lawyer review the documents. “We want to be sure that you are happy with this.”
“Oh, I am! I am!”, Reverend Blowhardt insisted as his attorney nodded in approval of the documents. He could barely contain his joy as he handed the signed, six-figure check from Global Protestant Marketing Plan Corp. check to his attorney to be deposited.
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Harry Barry is The Director of New Protestant Marketing Plan Development at Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. When he and his New Protestant Marketing Plan Team finalized “The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters” Business Plan, he knew he had a winner!
“This is a great Protestant Marketing Plan! It will be popular! It will turn into a denomination that may last for a whole decade! It lets sincere environmentalists combine with Protestantism with written Doctrine! For the first time in history, environmentalists can believe they’re going to Heaven. And, Protestants will have more fun getting there!”
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Harry Barry was right! People loved it! “We can get into Heaven without wasting time going to church! We Six Day Plus Two Adventisters have Drive-Thru Donation Drop-Off Depositories! Every Saturday, or Sunday, or Monday, whatever day is convenient, we just drive through and drop off our donations! We ‘Drive-Thru to Heaven’!”
Franchise purchases were advised to tell their members: “The best Drive-Thru day is payday!”
Attorney Jerry Rig got Trademark and copyright Protection for both the name and the description, and the phrase: “The best Drive-Thru day is payday!”
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Then, Harry Barry invented something new! Salvation Parades!
Enthusiastic followers join in The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters’ Salvation Parades! On Holy Days, dozens, or hundreds, of them get together. They drive through their town in a long line, honking their horns! When Noise Ordinances are a problem, and they usually are, after two or three Salvation Parades, they silently wave banners: “6 + 2 will save U!”
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Who leads their Salvation Parades? At first, it was the oldest member of the congregation. Then, Chief Financial Officer Sherman Skidmore had a revelation! “The Leader of The Salvation Parade should be that month’s biggest donor!
There was an immediate increase in Big Donations!
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Salvation Parades are just one way The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters let people know: “We care about you!”
Pastors no longer have to be bothered writing boring sermons every week. The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters aren’t bored by listening! No more mindless glad-handing after meaningless services! It is a monumental theological breakthrough!
Another of Reverend Knowal Blowhardt’s great contributions to Christianity? His denomination is not just another group of stale, stagnant “ians” and “ists” like Episcopalians and Methodists. The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters are vibrant, vital “isters“!
They get things done!
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Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. sold an amazing number of franchises! Many ambitious Protestants, often from similar denominations, enrolled in their new Seminary. It’s National Headquarters moved to a new campus! It is “symbolically fitting”!
It’s an old Drive-In Movie Theater! Seminarians drive in, turn on the speaker, listen and watch! They drive in and drive out whenever they want! Easy in, easy out!
“You can make money! You don’t have to work very hard! You help people believe they can get to Heaven while they have fun! You bring in rich environmentalists who never had a reason to believe they could get to Heaven!
“It’s the best Protestant Marketing Plan in History!” explain Global Protestant Marketing Plan Corp. salespeople to prospective franchisees.
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No wonder it was a matter of grave concern when Rev. Knowal Blowhardt, himself, seemed to be joining with Pastor Bob against Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!
What would Little Fred do?
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