I am overweight and dying from a rare glandular disorder. I wanted Pastor Bob to Baptize me at his Church of The Perfect Baptism. He has the patented Baptismal Font. It looks just like a short section of The River Jordan, where Jesus was Baptized! Actual water was shipped over from The River Jordan. It is circulated between the sandy banks at the same speed it flows in The River Jordan.
I called and explained that I didn’t have long to live. I mentioned that I owned part of my family’s business. Pastor Bob came right over to the hospital!
He took one look at me and said; “I can’t Baptize you! You must weigh 500 pounds! There’s no way we can immerse you in our very expensive Baptismal Font!”
My medical condition meant nothing to Pastor Bob. “We’d have to rent a forklift to lower you into the water! Our stage won’t support a forklift carrying you! It would collapse the entire Baptismal Font!”
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I had seen pastors on TV talking about how important it was to be Baptized by Full Immersion. I wanted to go to Heaven! “Can’t you just sprinkle some water on me? Can you just pour some water on me? Do I have to have Full Immersion to be Baptized?”
Pastor Bob was firm. “Our Denomination is the only Denomination whose believers go to Heaven! If you want to be Baptized, you must lose at least two or three hundred pounds!”
I explained: “My doctor warned me that I could pass away any time. I need to be Baptized!”
“Too bad. The Only Valid Baptism is by Full Immersion in water from The River Jordan in The Church of The Perfect Baptism. Full Immersion or Damnation!”
He was a Protestant minister! How could he be wrong?
