Invent Your Own Schism! Part 20

Good news!

Schism Seminary now has an entire Department devoted to Moving Gullible Catholics Your Way. One of our most popular courses is “Profiting From Disaffected Hispanics“. You must focus your Outreach on such people because, unlike Americans, they still have children. They will do so until you convince them that “There are more important things, like personal growth”. That “personal growth” claptrap, as we’ve seen with the old-line Protestants and evangelicals, can keep them focused on you and your Mega-Church for decades!

The Head of The Moving Catholics Your Way Department is the famous evangelical Preachin’ Perfessor, Dr. Dick Dudewell. There’s a shrewd, manipulative mind behind the practiced folksiness of his pulpit title. His latest research has been focused on Spanish-speaking immigrants. He shows you how to identify the Hispanic personalities most likely to leave The Church:

1. The Kiss-ups. Insecure Catholic immigrants are very anxious to identify with their new, American culture. They are easily identified by the speed with which they disassociate themselves from the local Catholic Church and want to “explore a more personal relationship with Jesus”. As soon as you hear that sort of meaningless blather, you realize you are speaking with a pretentious, insecure patsy with delusions of intellectual grandeur. Fan those flames! Those people can make substantial contributions! And, they are eager to help lead other societal Kiss-ups into your Mega-Church!

2. Seekers of Spiritual Freedom. These likely converts to your Mega-Church are teetering on the very edge of idiocy. You must train Assistant Pastors in Hispanic Outreach to praise their thoughts. Our focus groups have shown that anyone who self-identifies as a “Seeker of Spiritual Freedom” is easily brought into your Mega-Church by praising their nearly non-existent intellectual ability. You tell them, with the sincerity that you’ve studied in our Sincerity 101 and 201 classes, “You have a right to demand more than you are currently getting from your old-fashioned, out-of-touch Catholic Church.” From this point, it’s easy to enroll them in your Mega-Church. (Do you need to upgrade your “Sincerity Skills”? We have a new seminar that’s fittingly entitled, “How to Appear to be Absolutely Dripping with Sincerity”. It’s well worth the modest fee.)

3. Those in relationships not approved by The Catholic Church. These are people too vain and conceited to control their desires or to obtain the necessary annulment from The Church to regularize their marriage or relationship with a “significant other”. They still have enough sense to realize they have souls that need to be saved. They are going to rely on you, the Mega-Church multi-millionaire minister, to provide acceptance, forgiveness, and an all-around sense of their own “goodness”. Schism Seminary courses in Guilt-free Relationships show you and your staffers how to provide what appears to be forgiveness while garnering financial support for your Mega-Church.

Please call or email your friends at Schism Seminary for further information on these exciting new Outreach Programs! Invent Your Own Schism! Part 20