When you decided to invent your own schism, you moved right to the head of the line! Obviously, you are very smart. And, you want to get ahead. While Catholics and stick-in-the-mud older Protestants might think that you are motivated by pride and greed, we know better.
You want to serve. You want to serve God and you want to serve man. You don’t really enjoy standing up before vast audiences or TV cameras. But, that’s how you serve.
That’s why we, at Schism Seminary, are proud to serve you!
We can help you start a schism that will stand the test of time. Well, maybe two or three generations, if you can keep your kids out of the bank accounts! Nothing ends a schism faster than a schism-founder who doesn’t keep his children and grandchildren from sticking their fingers in the pie!
Well, that’s not completely right. The thing that really brings schisms to fall apart the most quickly is getting caught in illicit sex and not paying people to shut up quickly enough. I know, I know, where men like you are concerned, nothing is really “illicit”.
But, every schism needs every tither. Remember that line. “Every Schism needs every tither.” It’s like the First Commandment of Successful Schisms.
If anyone has money in their pocket, you need it. And, you can’t take money from Believer A and Believer B if you offend either Believer. It’s amazing how many people don’t understand such basics.
An example. Believer A tells you, “I don’t think people who think abortion is all right can go to Heaven.” You also know that Believer B, who’s standing right behind her and listening closely, is taking a teen-age daughter to have her illegitimate child aborted so she can go to the Prom.
What should you tell Believer A? What do you do? This is the kind of problem that a few semesters at Schism Seminary helps you solve.
You simply make this simple calculation: If Believer A tithes more than the other, and Believer B is not likely to ever be a major contributor, then you slowly say, while nodding wisely, “I am so glad you understand.” If Believer B is the greater tither, you say to Believer B, “I am so glad you understand.” What do you tell the other? “Pray for guidance.”
That’s how simple it is to run a successful schism!
Learn more at Schism Seminary. Hope to see you here next semester! Our very reasonably priced on-line classes are a great help for the busy person who wants to get ahead in his own semi-Christian Schism!
Invent your own schism! Part 4 Brought to you by Schism Seminary, the people who care about you!
