This is the first letter we’ve received from Pastor Pitstop in which he seems slightly depressed. He feels lonely. Some of the Catholic Fundamentalism Editorial Board were worried that he might be overly concerned about some family or financial matters. But, he seems to be more perplexed about the loneliness of his position. His question is important: Why is Pastor Pitstop the only defender of the Protestant Establishment?
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
You know what’s bothering me? There are hundreds of thousands of ordained Protestant pastors and pastorettes in North America. All of them make a living by preaching and ministering to the congregation of some small, friendly, Protestant church. Why am I the only one standing up to defend the Protestant Establishment?
Really. You guys at Catholic Fundamentalism are always going on and on about how wonderful the Catholic Church is. You say it over and over: “The Church is real old. It was founded by Jesus. He put the first Pope in charge. It provides the Sacraments. Changes wine into Christ’s Blood. Bread into Christ’s Body. Forgives sins. Separates sheep from goats.” So, you have Sacraments, antiquity, and lots of complicated, interwoven doctrines.
Our Protestant churches are just as good as yours.
Well, most of them are. Well, some of them are. I know mine is. It is very friendly. That’s as important as any Catholic Sacrament. To Protestants, Friendliness is a Sacrament. It’s the only Sacrament that every Protestant agrees on.
But, there’s no other ministers writing letters to you Catholic Fundamentalism people saying anything good about Protestants. How friendly we are. No Lutherans. No Presbyterians. No Methodists. No Baptists. None of the little evangelical churches. None of the Mammoth Mega churches. Why don’t any of their clergy defend the Protestant Establishment?
They are a part of the Protestant Establishment. Their salaries, pensions, and benefits all come from some branch of Protestantism. So did the seminaries that trained them. Why don’t any of them ever defend their faiths?
That’s what I’d like to know. Why am I the only one?
Really, I looked in the local phone book of a nearby city. There were hundreds of churches. And, I’m the only one writing to defend all of them.
The burden is too much. I feel alone.
And, it’s worse. No one but me warns us about a much more vicious enemy. Mega churches that are wiping us out. Every morning, Minister McMacMack’s helicopter roars over. He, or his agents fly out from the helipad at Mighty Mountain Mega Church to buy, absorb, incorporate, or destroy some little neighborhood church. He waves a big check around in front of the church’s board and, all of a sudden, it’s his!
He’s piling up more real estate, buildings, and assets of every kind, every day. You know what he’s doing now? Closing the churches and turning their Sunday school rooms into barracks for oldsters trying to live on Social Security. He gets their checks deposited directly into a special account at Mighty Mountain Mega! Has ’em volunteering to cook food in what was the church’s kitchen. Charges ’em plenty for slop. He’s rolling in money! He’s like a corporate raider! He’s shutting down and absorbing one or two churches every week! Some of them have endowment funds! They disappear into Mighty Mountain Mega’s maw.
No one notices but me! No one! Am I the only one who sees? Am I the only one who cares? Does one other Protestant minister or ministerette want to help? How long must I struggle on, alone? Does any other professional Protestant care?
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis Pitstop
We at Catholic Fundamentalism couldn’t help but ask, with some bewilderment: “Why is Pastor Pitstop the only professional Protestant defending the Protestant establishment?” It’s a very hard question. We see the letters and comments that come in. Pastor Pitstop is Protestantism’s only defender. Why?
