Many who call themselves “Christian” are not in The Only Church Jesus Founded. Protestants began with a few factions invented by Martin Luther, Henry the 8th, John Calvin, and other ambitious men. They were supported by government officials who hated the Catholic Church because The Church had the power to keep them from stealing money and property from weaker neighbors. What early Protestants really protested was The Church’s ability to keep them from despoiling their neighbors.
For the first few centuries, Protestants maintained many Catholic moral teachings on divorce, fornication, artificial birth control and abortion. Then, the numbers of schisms multiplied. As earlier, Mainline Protestants began to have budget problems, their teachings on divorce and remarriage were relaxed. By WWI, Protestants could get rid of old spouses, marry new ones, and still receive what they thought were “blessings” from their new and “more relaxed church”.
Shortly after that, artificial birth control was allowed in order to minimize the effects of the newly tolerated fornication. Then, “therapeutic abortions” were written into many Protestant catechisms.
Today, there are 43,000 Protestant schisms. Even Protestants think that’s ridiculous. Many of the newer factions don’t even call themselves “Protestant”. “We are an Evangelical, non-denominational, family church. We believe in Jesus and The Bible.”
New waves of Protestants require new definitions. Today, it is widely understood that we may define four kinds of Pastor Bobs: Pastor Bob, Class I, Class II, Class III, and Class IV.
A Class I Pastor Bob is the inventor of a schism. Martin Luther, Jimmy Swaggart, Joseph Smith, and John Calvin are examples of Class I Pastor Bobs. Any Class I Pastor Bob has the freedom to collect and disburse money as he or she chooses. Class I Pastor Bobs may have one small church, a giant mega-church, or a number of franchise outlets.
In the rare denominations that survive the death of its founder, a Class II Pastor Bob replaces the original Class I Pastor Bob. Class II Pastor Bobs have paintings of “Our Founder” prominently displayed to show where their authority originates. Class II Pastor Bobs run franchise outlets of a successful schism invented by a Class I Pastor Bob. A Class II Pastor Bob may run an entire Protestant Denomination or a regional assembly, like the “Michigan Synod” or “The Northeast Presbytery”.
Ray Kroc, inventor of McDonalds, is the business counterpart of a Class I Pastor Bob. Later Presidents of Mcdonalds are the commercial equivalents of Class II Pastor Bobs.
Class III Pastor Bobs are on the level of the local Mcdonalds managers. They run individual franchise outlets founded or controlled by the Class I and Class II Pastor Bobs. They have some authority to collect and disburse money, but are required to send some to the Class I or Class II Pastor Bob above them.
Class IV Pastor Bobs do not have control over collecting or spending. They function as low-level youth ministers. They visit the sick, provide counseling for poorer members of the congregation,suffer on long, hot (or, cold) missionary trips to God-forsaken places, and do the general grunt work that helps the Class III Pastor Bobs drum up additional donors to replace the older, dying members of their particular Pastor Bobism (qv). Many Class III and Class IV Pastor Bobs dream of starting their own schism. They often spend a lot of time lining up the necessary financial support. If that should be discovered, they are frequently “let go with the greatest reluctance”, rotated or transferred into “the mission fields”.
See how simple Protestantism is? Only two more definitions.
Pastor Bobism: Each denomination named for or by a human founder is a Pastor Bobism. The larger Pastor Bobisms include Lutherans, Presbyterians, Mormons, and also describe the tiniest, local “Non-denominational, Bible-believing, Family Victory Church” whose Pastor Bobist (qv) does not like to think of him or herself as “Protesting” in some old-fashioned “Protestant denomination”, but prefers to be thought of as “Building”, “Helping”, “Caring”, and “Growing”.
Pastor Bobist: Pastor Bobists are those who blieve in any one of the 43,000 Pastor Bobisms founded by a Class I Pastor Bob.
A more thorough investigation of the new wave of micro-theologies would include Pastor Bobbers and Pastor Bobettes.
Despite the seeming complexity of 43,000 denominations, New Protestants, new definitions, makes perfect sense of it all.
