Harry Barry is The Director of New Protestant Marketing Plans for Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. He made an astonishing discovery! He raced to Little Fred’s Penthouse Office high atop their Madison Avenue skyscraper.
“Little Fred! Look what I found! We have much bigger problems than Pastor Bob and Reverend Knowal Blowhardt! Take a look at what our Protestant Marketing Plan Analysis Group has discovered! We have seen a clear progression! We have mathematically documented what’s happening!”
Little Fred was immediately interested! “What have you found?”
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“We have discovered that the families whose fathers leave The Catholic Church also leave The Catholic Church!”
Little Fred replied, “That’s good news! We need more husbands and fathers to leave The Catholic Church! That helps us sell Global Protestant Marketing Plan Corp. plans to more Protestant customers!”
“That’s not what the surveys show!”, Harry Barry replied. “There is a huge problem! When fathers and their families leave The Church, only 35% of them join one of our Marketing Plan Denominations. Less than half of them remain there for more than five years.
“The frightening fact is that only 18% of their children stay in whatever Marketing Plan Denomination their fathers initially chose. Only 9% of their grandchildren go to any church at all! And, many of them don’t have any great-grandchildren! Our denominations are dying faster than we can get ex-Catholics to join them!”
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“What! Let me see those graphs!”
The graphs were clear. Little Fred examined them. Little Fred immediately understood! He looked up in astonishment! “There is not a single Protestant denomination that will be around in two more generations!” Little Fred was appalled! He looked intently at Harry Barry and asked: “Does anyone else know about this?”
“Only you and I. None of our staff statisticians have seen more than one or two parts of the study. I personally and privately compiled the graphs and this Executive Summary. It is “for your eyes only”!
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Little Fred put into words what both of them could see: “These graphs make it clear! In less than a decade, Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. will not have enough Royalty Fees on our Protestant Marketing Plans to cover our expenses!”
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The two men were appalled at what Harry Barry had found! Harry wanted to know: “Should we think of selling Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. while there’s still something to sell? Should we go public? Should we try to find a buyer?”
Little Fred thoughtfully replied: “First, we’ll see what Sherman Skidmore says. We need to have our Chief Financial Officer confirm your numbers! If he does, we need advice from our Legal Department. We have to see if we can legally sell Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. stock when we know the Corporation is headed for inevitable bankruptcy!”
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Within an hour, Harry Barry, CFO Sherman Skidmore, and Attorney Jerry Rig were sitting with Little Fred in front of the huge computer screen in the soundproof, secret Boardroom #3.
A few minutes after Attorney Jerry Rig had seen the numbers, he knew! “Legally, we are stuck!
“If we sell Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp. we have to disclose these numbers. The actual Future Value of our stock and assets is close to zero! There may even be a negative net worth!
“If we do not disclose our actual Projected Income Estimates, we’re guilty of fraud! We would have to give all the investors’ money back! We may be compelled to return Franchise Purchase Fees for hundreds of the new Protestant denominations we’ve invented! We could be fined hundreds of millions of dollars! We may be individually and personally liable! We could all go to jail!
“And, we have to immediately stop selling any of our Protestant Marketing Plans to new Franchisees! If we continue to sell them after we know these facts, we run the risk of a jury giving any of our clients punitive damages! We have to discharge our entire Sales Department! The Human Resources Department must begin immediate layoffs!”
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Suddenly, Little Fred and Global Marketing Plans Corp. were threatened with far bigger problems than lawsuits from insignificant Pastor Bob, Reverend Knowal Blowhardt, and the non-Denominational Protestants!
Little Fred was forced to face the fact that government agencies, attorneys, and regulators had far more respect for truth and justice than anyone involved in any part of Global Protestant Marketing Plans Corp.!
He quickly realized the overpowering fact: “We need a Miracle!”
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Sherman Skidmore was deadly serious when he replied: “Only a Catholic Saint could get a ‘Miracle’ that big!”
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The odd novel, Crats! is free on catholicfundamentalism.com
