CF recently overheard a conversation between a salesman for Giant Baptismal Fonts and a local Pastor Bob. They were at the next table in our town’s most expensive restaurant. I learned about Perfectly Purified Protestants 2 things I didn’t know.
The salesman explained. “Big breakthroughs in Baptism boggle the mind! The New Protestants are ‘All About Baptism!’ The fastest growing churches are spending more time learning plumbing than quoting Scripture! Giant Baptismal Fonts, filled with real water shipped in from The River Jordan, are the new thing! They put ’em on huge freight elevators in the middle of sanctuaries! No Pastor Bob can amount to anything without one!”
“Do you think I need one in my small church? We just teach that if people say ‘I believe in Jesus and The Bible.’, they almost automatically get into Heaven. We really don’t have the space for a Giant Baptismal Font. And, a freight elevator to bring it up from the basement? That would be very expensive!”
The confident salesman replied: “Listen, I’ve had ministers in your own denomination put in one of our Giant Baptismal Fonts and a freight elevator, along with the Deluxe Unit’s Baptismal Crane, Chain, Rotator, Pumps, and High Pressure Hoses. The Baptismal Business is booming so much they pay off the whole unit in a couple of years! After that, it’s all gravy!”
“But, we do other things besides Baptizing. Sometimes we have Bible Study. And, we have Church History Study Groups.”
“Waste of time! There’s no point in studying Church History. It’s all about Catholics, until you get to where Luther started the schism process that still gives us all our jobs! Waste of time!”
“Well, I have to admit it. I don’t like teaching Church History and Bible Study. I get sick of people reading John 6:53, where Jesus made the mistake of saying ‘If you do not eat My Body and drink My Blood you do not have life in you.’ There’s always some smart-ass reading that and asking, ‘Pastor Bob, the Catholic priests turn bread and wine into The Body and Blood of Jesus. Why don’t you do that, so we can have life in us, too?’ I hate that! Those people should all become Catholics! Get ’em out of our hair. They’ll come crawling back, as soon as they want to dump the old spouse and get a new one! Then, they find out what it’s like to be Catholic! No more freedom. Serve ’em right!”
“You’re right about that, Pastor Bob. But, people are getting bored with old, stagnant denominations. I’ll be brutally honest. Most sermons boil down to the minister opening a Sermon Catalog and reading a canned, twenty dollar sermon to make ’em think ‘I am a good person because I believe in Jesus and The Bible.’ Your people are getting bored! If you don’t buy one of our Giant Baptismal Fonts, and Reverend Dick ‘Dik” Warner down the road does, he’s gonna get fifteen-twenty percent of your congregation. That’s what our studies show! First church in an area to install one of our OSHA-Approved Giant Baptismal Fonts takes that many people from surrounding churches! I can show you the actual studies!”
Pastor Bob was puzzled about one thing: “Where do the people come from to pay for this?”
“That’s the brilliant part! The New Baptism business is booming because we figured out that ‘Jesus was not baptized until He was 30. To be like Jesus, you have to be baptized at 30. Or, older. Earlier Baptisms don’t count any more!’ Old people will pay plenty to be “Age Appropriately Baptized” since it’s now the only way they can be properly purified Protestants. The New Baptism brochure tells you how much to charge for this vital service!”
“Well, when you put it that way, maybe we do need to consider this.”
“Here, let’s take a look at the catalog. This first page shows our Starter Font. It’s something to consider, but check this next step up! It has the freight elevator AND the high pressure hoses. Now, I ask you, how can you wash sins away without high-pressure hoses?”
