Schismatic Marketing Plans

All 43,000 Schismatic Marketing Plans include “We believe in Jesus and The Bible.” It’s a branding technique so common that it’s like entering a fog bank. Everyone inviting people to climb their ladder among the 43,000 Ladders to Heaven says, “We believe in Jesus and The Bible.”

It’s fun to compare Schismatic Marketing Plans. The Only Church Jesus Founded has advantages when we compare it to the Schismatic Marketing Plans. Jesus not only founded the Catholic Church, but also, The Only Church He Founded decided which books would be in the Bible and in what order they would appear.

The 43,000 schisms lack those important precedents. Their Schismatic Marketing Plans have an uphill fight. “How do we say people should be in our denomination and be happy repeating ‘I believe in Jesus and The Bible’ when Jesus started The Catholic Church and gave The Catholic Church the authority to decide what would be in The Bible? If anyone really believed in Jesus and The Bible, wouldn’t they be Catholic?”

This takes hard marketing! Their first defense is to distort: “Maybe, Jesus didn’t know what He was talking about when He said ‘Thou art Peter and on this rock I build My Church. . .’ Maybe, He just got busy and forgot. But, it’s more likely Jesus actually included the inventor of our schism along with Peter, but the Catholic Church took the name of our founder out!

“If those Catholics, ‘way back then, had left His Holy Words alone, the passage would have read ‘Thou art Peter, and Jimmy Swaggart will be coming along in a couple of thousand years, and on these rocks I build My Church.’ That’s what the Bible would still say, if it weren’t for those pesky Catholics taking Jimmy’s name out!”

Those in the remaining 42,999 schisms disagree. They think that, the name of their founder followed Peter, not Jimmy Swaggart. “I have prayed, and I tell you, the name Jimmy Swaggart has never appeared in Scripture. But, those Catholics over a thousand years ago, back in the 300s, did take out the name of our beloved founder, Pastor Bob! They knew, and Jesus knew, too, that Pastor Bob was coming!”

Schismatic Marketing Plans must keep the smarter people in the pews from asking, “Shouldn’t we be supporting The Only Church Jesus Founded? It was those early Catholics who decided what would be in The Bible.” Schismatic Marketing Plans cannot agree with the fact that Jesus only founded One Church. Schismatic Marketing Plans, when faced with that unpleasant fact, recommend reverting to repeating The Schism Chant, “We believe in Jesus and The Bible!”

Schismatic Marketing Plans show how to wage another uphill fight. Catholics say their Church is better because Jesus said in the last half of the sentence “Thou art Peter and on this rock I build My Church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.” Making it worse, those Catholics will excommunicate anyone who helps procure an abortion.

That causes consternation among the brighter schismatics. “How can our denomination allow abortion unless the gates of hell have prevailed against it? Is it even possible for me get to Heaven if I choose to support a denomination over which ‘the gates of hell’ have prevailed?”

Schismatic Marketing Plans respond with these honeyed words: “Our denomination is not judgmental. If any of our followers believe that they need an abortion, we respect them too much to stand in their way. The fact that we allow abortion and artificial birth control does not mean that ‘the gates of hell have prevailed’ over us. It only means we are kind, loving people. Well, we are as kind and loving as one can be while tolerating the murder of our most innocent neighbors.”

These Schismatic Marketing Plans will keep all but the smartest in the schisms confused enough to go on giving money to the successful implementers of sound Schismatic Marketing Plans.

And, when Schism Seminary examines Schismatic Marketing Plans, we see a growing need to elevate the tone. Schismatic Marketing Plans should lead people to think of the 43,000 schisms in terms of “Comparative Religion”. That term makes each schism seem more respectable than having them appear as individual wackos looking for quick cash. Sincere-looking, older actors can be trained to intone “Each schism is a manifestation of important theological differences of opinion. Each makes a vital contribution.”

We have a few such retired actors on the payroll. When they aren’t busy selling reverse mortgages on television, they can be hired inexpensively to plug your schism!

Schism Seminary doesn’t want the growing number of schisms to be seen as cunning marketing plans turned into denominational form by ambitious men who get into The Schism Business with an opportunistic gleam in their eye. Or, that they’re just more people who think they’re too good to work for a living. Such things should never be mentioned.