Lesson One:
The young, ambitious Pastor Bob must memorize and rehearse The Vital Sentence. He must be able to use it effectively with every person, donor, potential contributors, and everyone he meets: “Jesus needs you.”
If you want to be a Pastor Bob with your own giant mega-church, personal Lockheed Mission Jet, and a couple of three acre mansions, begin with rehearsing “Jesus needs you.” Practice! Practice! Practice!
What is there to practice after you’ve memorized three words? Try putting emphasis on different words and syllables. “Jesus needs you!” Then, “Jesus needs you!” and “Jesus needs you!”
See how useful that sentence is? Add a syllable or so. “Jeee-sus ne-eeds y-y-yyou!” Say a few variations out loud. Do this for several days. Work “Jesus needs you.” in every possible variation into every conversation. Watch those who hear you. When you properly fit pronunciation to the person, they will stop moving away. When you’re ready for your own church, people will move closer, not farther.
You’ve taken the first step to be a successful Pastor Bob. While future Catholic priests are wasting ten years in Catholic Seminaries praying, studying two thousand years of boring Church History, learning about boring old Church fathers and complicated stuff about the “Hypostatic Union”, “Transubstantiation”, and really hard subjects like The Trinity, you’ve cut right to the chase in ten minutes or ten hours or ten days! No holding you back! You are nearly ready for prime time!
Then, once you’ve memorized a few dozen ways to say “Jesus needs you!”, ranging in volume from a pulpit-pounding thunder to sincere whisper, you get to go to Lesson Two. Here’s how, Pastor Bob!
Lesson Two:
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Lesson Two consists of removing the period following “Jesus needs you.” that we learned in Lesson One. “Jesus needs you.” is no longer a stand-alone sentence. In Lesson Two, it becomes four words and no period! It becomes “Jesus needs you to . . . . ” I know, I know, it’s hard, but this adjustment must be made by any successful Pastor Bob. In Lesson Two, we learn oblique, effective ways to add “give me some money.” onto “Jesus needs you to . . .”.
The more intelligent may be offended if you say something as blunt as “Jesus needs you to give me some money.” In Lesson Two, we learn the vital variations that make the request acceptable. “Jesus needs you to help support our cause.” Isn’t that better than bluntly blurting out “give me some money”?
After you’ve mastered a few such basic additions to “Jesus needs you to”, and maybe invented some of your own, consider this brilliant innovation: “Jesus needs you to contribute from the blessings He has given you so that others may be blessed.” Wow! You compliment the person and make them feel guilty. And, you do it in one sentence! This is what it takes to be a real Pastor Bob!
As we near the end of Lesson Two, we learn to make actual absurdity become reasonable. How? We drip sincerity all over it. This is always effective with a certain sort of person: “Jesus needs you to help us because it’s better to teach a man to fish than to just give him a fish.” For some unknown reason, that line, ridiculous as it is when thinking about putting it into practice, is a proven fund-raiser for nearly any cause you can invent. Really, how many people can be helped by learning how to fish? Are you going to buy them a rod, reel, net, boat, and a fishing license, too? Of course you are!
One donor can be told “Jesus needs you to contribute so we can buy this starving man a fishing reel.” Say to another, “Jesus needs you to buy a fishing rod for the poor man.” Children may be told, “Jesus needs you to use some of your allowance to buy him some fishhooks.” Equipping one person with all that and a boat, outboard motor, life preservers, gasoline, and the necessary permits can help you raise enough money to buy your own Lockheed Mission Jet so you can fly to Coastal Angola and watch your intrepid angler bringing home an occasional boatload of fish on the increasingly rare occasions he’s sober enough to do so. “He really needs us to buy some land and build him a dock!”, you realize, as you invent a new concluding phrase to “Jesus needs you to”.
So, young Pastor Bob, we’ve finished Lesson Number One and Number Two. Now, don’t you agree that Jesus wants you to send fifty dollars to Schism Seminary to show your appreciation for this free introduction and to reserve your place in this year’s Schism Seminary Ninety Day Wonder Class?
