Many have responded very favorably to Pastor Travis Pitstop’s letters. Pastor Pitstop’s timely explanations of Protestant practices have helped us all to a greater, ecumenical understanding. We asked him if he’d have the time to provide more of his well-written insights for Catholic Fundamentalism.
His response:
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
I would love to write occasional letters for Catholic Fundamentalism. But, I regret to say that I will have to charge. Probably five hundred dollars per letter. My denomination, I’m a Padded-Pew Perkmistianist, has reduced my benefits and my pension. My church has lost 30% of our congregation in the past five years. Over half the people have died or moved to warmer climes in the last fifteen years.
No children or grandchildren are joining. There aren’t any. Maybe those Catholics were right about birth control and abortion.
You can imagine what losing so many in my congregation did to my salary. That’s why I’d have to charge $500.00 a letter. If that’s too much, I might be able to write them for $400.00. And, if that weren’t affordable, maybe $300.00. Well, actually, I could do them for $50.00 and still be ahead of where I am, now. Even $20.00 would be a benefit, but they wouldn’t be very long letters.
Things are looking worse. A giant Mega-Church is expanding up the road. They have half a dozen licensed Manicuring Deacons. They provide nearly free nail care during services, wheeling through the wide aisles on motorized wheelchairs, clipping and filing like mad. How am I supposed to compete with that?
Minister McMacMack’s Mighty Mountain Mega-Church is going to have even bigger effect on our budget. People who’ve gone there tell me: “It’s fun, there. Instead of sermons, they have bowling, croquet, skeet-shooting, and egg-tosses. Right during the sermons!” according to one person in my congregation. Come to think of it, he wasn’t here, last week.
Minister McMacMack’s helicopter pad is driving me crazy with all the noise of celebrities coming in for every possible holiday.
There is a bright side. Minister McMacMack stopped in this morning. He needs more parking. Said he’d buy our building and parking lot for his growing congregation. Keep the building for a museum, “The Way Church Used to Be”. Hinted that he might hire me as one of his Assistant Associate Pastors. I’m a little old, 56, but still have my hair. If I dyed it black, I could pass for forty. I’d like to hang on until I’m 62, for the Social Security.
So, about my fee. Maybe, $10.00 a letter?
All the best,
Pastor Travis Pitstop
