We received word this morning that Pastor Pitstop plans to sue The Catholic Church. He forwarded a letter from the attorneys he is hiring. Whine, Mongrel and Crapp is a well-known firm of litigators from New York. We could not tell which of the partners is handling the case for Pastor Pitstop. Our attorneys assure us that it is a frivolous lawsuit. We here at Catholic Fundamentalism are not so sure.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
The Church wouldn’t reverse Martin Luther’s excommunication. That’s Uppity. And Bullying. We hired Whine, Mongrel and Crapp to sue The Catholic Church. Since Catholic Fundamentalism is always defending The Church, we’re suing you, too, as a “related party” Along with every other Catholic organization we can find. And, we’re going to sue every Catholic who owns property. We want it. Uppity Bullies shouldn’t have the right to own anything.
Whine, Mongrel and Crapp have told me that I should warn you what the case is about. They encourage you to settle, before the case goes to court.
They tell me that all of us Protestants have “suffered irreparable damage” because you Catholics excommunicated Martin Luther. You have “made us feel badly about ourselves”. As you know, that is a form of “bullying” according to the new Human Rights Code. What did you do that was “Bullying Behavior”?
Well, you were telling people they would go to hell if they didn’t do what you said. That can’t be right. We are all equal. Sinners are just as good as saints. Worse than that, there is a clear implication that The Church is telling people that God, Himself, has given The Church the power to keep people out of Heaven if they disagree too much with Catholic teachings. That is unacceptable. God is an “Equal Opportunity Savior” and everyone has the right to go go Heaven. It is illegal to believe in a God Who would punish people for doing what they thought was right.
The attorneys at Whine, Mongrel and Crapp say there’s another issue. When The Church says that its leader has “the keys to Heaven”, it is saying that it is “better” than other groups who do not make that claim. “Key’s to Heaven” is the most bullying thing possible. Telling people that if they reject Catholic teachings, they will suffer agonizing pain forever! That is wrong. Wrong. It is the worst kind of bullying.
It gets worse. The Church is worse than Bullying. The Church is also Uppity. Bullying and Being Uppity are both Human Rights Code Violations.
It is wrong to make people feel badly about themselves. We are going to sue every Catholic in the world!
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis T. Pitstop
“Does he actually have a case?”, asked one of the interns at our Morning Meeting? The editor answered. “Who knows? The way things have changed, The Church could well be in violation of the new Human Rights Code. No telling what will happen. All we can do is stay faithful, despite the promised persecution.”
