It seems like yesterday that Pastor Bob #44,001 revolutionized Protestantism. Introduced as “Pastor Bob #44,001 is the real Protestant” by a TV Business Channel moderator, He said
“I am a man with a Marketing Plan! I have received A Word of Knowledge AND an MBA from Wharton! Protestants are scattered in more than 43,000 denominations, each invented by some other man with a Marketing Plan. Boil all those 43,000 denominations down and what do you get? ‘Everybody wants to get to Heaven, but most don’t want to be Catholic and have to follow rules to get there. They want to do whatever they want and still get to Heaven.’ All Protestantism boils down to that. That was a revelation! My MBA showed me how to make it profitable! And, how to get it patented!”
The moderator nodded.
“I’m going to do to Protestantism the same thing Wal-Mart did to mom ‘n pop stores. What McDonalds did to little restaurants! What Amazon does to brick and mortar retailers. Our Marketing Plan provides the True Protestantism that’ll put ’em out of business! Simple-minded Evangelicals, raving Pentecostals, boring Main-Line Denominations, we’re gonna get ’em all!”
The moderator was incredulous. “You’re going to bring hundreds of millions of people into your New Church? How on earth are you going to do that?”
“It’s simple” Pastor Bob #44,001 explained. All those Protestants say ‘We want to be like Jesus!’ You know what? Market research found that not one of them pays any attention to Jesus! Our marketing plan is simple.
“We tell the simple truth. All of the Protestant schisms are ignoring Jesus! They all Baptize infants or teens. Well, Jesus was Baptized when he was 30. If you want to be like Jesus, you absolutely must be Baptized, or re-Baptized at 30. Or, after. But, not one day before! Not one of the 43,999 Protestant denominations even try to be like Jesus, not even the snake-waving Pentecostals!”
The wide-eyed announcer said thoughtfully, “I have to agree with that. None of them Baptize at 30.”, as Pastor Bob rolled on.
“What’s worse, those semi-Christians ignore Jesus in other ways. He was the Son of God. He could have been Baptized in the Tiber, Thames, Ganges, Amazon, Nile, or Mississippi. Instead of being baptized in one of those big, impressive rivers, He had Himself Baptized in the flowing water of The River Jordan, did He not?”
The interviewer replied, “Yes, yes. That’s where He was Baptized.”
“Not one Protestant organization, from the mightiest mega-Church to the smallest inner-city storefront baptizes people at the age of 30 in running water from The River Jordan. And, The River Jordan is the only river that is always preceded by a ‘the’. The ‘t’ in that ‘the’ looks like a cross! Do you understand the many, many ways that every other Protestant Marketing Plan has missed the boat!?”
The announcer did understand. You could see him nod thoughtfully as the corners of his lips pulled down. Pastor Bob #41,001 went on.
“We will soon have international Design and Utility Patents Pending on every feature of our Business Plan and Baptismal Fonts. Each has running water shipped in from The River Jordan. Now, that’s just the beginning and our wall of patents, copyrights, and trade secrets will keep the ‘me-too Pastor Bobs’ away for a generation! We’ll sue their socks off!”
“We only have a little time left, Pastor Bob. Exactly how do you turn this impressive Business Plan into money?”
“Our sliding scale of charges! These new Baptismal fonts range in size from school buses to boxcars. They have ten, twenty, or fifty thousand gallons of water from The River Jordan pumped to flow between the life-like shorelines. Those Baptisms are not free! When you are Baptized, like Jesus, at 30, in flowing water from The River Jordan, the cost is a moderate $1-2,000.00. But, if you’ve waited until you’re fifty, there’s a lot more sins to wash away. You might be in there for half an hour! That would require a donation of 3-4,000.00. You can understand why costs have to go up in proportion to age and Size of Font.”
“I can see why it would be more expensive. What would it cost for, say, my 90 year old grandfather to be baptized before he dies?”
“We guarantee ‘Oldster Salvation’ in our ‘Hospice Baptisms’. For a mere five thousand dollars, a Porta-Font that’s been built into a giant motor home pulls up outside the hospice. The dying oldster is rolled up a ramp and wheeled into The Giant Baptismal Font, bed and all. We put a water-tight oxygen mask over the mouth and nose and the flowing water from The River Jordan washes all the sins away for a mere $5,000.00! Straight shot to Heaven, with a money-back guarantee!”
“Well, our time is up, Pastor Bob, but it sounds as if you really cover all the bases. Hope that you’ll come back soon and tell us what you’re going to call your new organization and how you plan to handle tens of thousands of multiple locations? Will you go the Franchise Outlet Protestants route, like Methodists and Lutherans, or will you use Stand Alone Protestant organizations, like the local Mega-Churches?”
“I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll follow the money!”
