All of us here at Schism Seminary are very excited about the newest addition to our “Make Them Feel Important Seminars!” It’s just in time for you to schedule our latest, proven fund-raiser. At first, you call it the Honor Our Veterans on Memorial Day Ceremony.
Most of the veterans in your congregation are older, lonely, and have a deep need to be appreciated. Your competitors, the older, boring churches, may ask Veterans to stand for a brief round of applause. Kid stuff. There’s no money in that.
You, our dear, multi-millionaire Mega-Church ministers, can transform that simple, honest outpouring of respect and affection into Big Money!
Our research has shown that many vets still have their old uniforms. It may be tempting to ask them to put them on and march down the aisle while the choir belts out a few choruses of “Onward, Christian Soldiers!” Don’t do that! Inevitably, some will stretch their old waistbands past the breaking point. It’s embarrassing when buttons, zippers, and seams give way as they march around your vast sanctuary. It’s worse if one or two of the older ones forget where they are, start to wander off in the aisles, and begin screaming “Die, you murdering pig!” as they try to strangle some member of your Mega-Church who resembles the enemies of their youth.
For similar reasons, it’s not a good idea to have the veterans march around your huge, amphitheater/sanctuary with rifles on their shoulders. If you are forced into some such parade by large donors anxious to let people see by their uniforms that they had high rank or impressive medals, at least insist that the rifles not have bayonets.
A few drummers from your orchestra should walk in front of and behind the veterans marching in civilian clothes. White shirts, khaki pants. Many buy them at your suggestion that they “not look out of place”. Their march should conclude with drums, your brass section, and all of your choirs belting out a stirring rendition of “Over There!” as the Honor Our Veterans Ceremony leads to its central focus. You. Your goal is to bring tears to the eyes of all, and you have done so!
Then, you, our Multi-millionaire Mega-Church Minister, have your time to shine! You stand amidst the spotlights and upward-pointing cameras below you, and give a stirring speech visible on each of the Big Screens surrounding your Amphitheater/Sanctuary. Your speech begins with Valley Forge ends with wherever our last military activity took place. Keep up to date on that. You don’t want the youngest veterans, or their parents in the pews, feeling that they’ve been forgotten.
As you do what you do best, your huge multi-media screens intersperse your picture with snippets of old patriotic paintings, photographs, and paintings. They include Washington praying at Valley Forge, the flag being raised on Iwo Jima, a few cavalry charges, a wounded guy being carried somewhere on a stretcher, and the usual rows of endless crosses at Arlington. A mushroom cloud fills screens at the end. There’s always money to be made with reminders of looming Armageddon.
You, our Multimillionaire Mega-Church Minister will have your picture interspersed with each of these historic moments and people. The right editing will have your congregation subconsciously confusing you with every important figure and happening between George Washington and the end times! Your dream come true!
Then, and only then, when your vast congregations are tearfully wallowing in your trumped-up patriotism, do you announce your brand new “Veterans Outreach For Jesus Ministry”! When you have finished describing “the great needs of our wounded warriors”, several buglers, dressed in the uniforms of past wars, play “Taps” as your vast choirs sing along.
By the time you’ve finished, there won’t be a dry eye, or a closed checkbook, in the house.
We, as Schism Seminary, have choreographed and produced this professional fund-raising process. We have the film clips, your Ceremony Director’s marching and singing instructions, and we have your great speech already written. Naturally, we also have the follow-up emails and mailings to drive home the financial needs for Veteran’s Outreach For Jesus Ministry. These vital follow-up messages are shrewd “bayonets in the brisket”, as The Reverend Dr. Dick Dudewell, known on the stump as the “Pulpit-poundin’, Preachin’ Perfesser” describes his Department’s remarkably follow-up communications.
There’s money to be made in Veteran’s Outreach For Jesus. Your Mega-Church deserves its share! Even more, you deserve yours!
We hope to hear from you, soon. Invent Your Own Schism! Part 21 Veteran’s Outreach For Jesus Ministry/Marketing Plan.
