We received a letter from Pastor Pitstop. He has enclosed an email that he received from Minister McMacMack, whose massive mega-church is destroying Pastor Pitstop’s much smaller church. Now, it appears that their conflict is growing.
Dear Catholic Fundamentalism:
You know that I don’t like you Catholics very much. Always going on and on about how Jesus founded your religion by telling your first Pope, “Thou art Peter, and on this rock, I build My Church.” Well, I’ve gotten pretty sick of that over the years, but you never made a big deal about it. You never sent people around knocking on the doors of people in my church, telling them that they were really reducing their chances of getting into Heaven because they didn’t do what Jesus said.
And, you didn’t endlessly remind them that He said: “If you do not eat My Body and drink My Blood, you do not have life in you.” We all know that the only place we can do that is taking Communion in a Catholic church, but, you didn’t go around beating people over the head with it. That’s what let our church survive, you know. If you Catholics had been a little more aggressive, you’d have gotten all our best believers, over the centuries. And, maybe you did.
But, things are different, now. Now, there’s a church that wants to actually destroy mine! I just got this email from Minister McMacMack, up at Mighty Mountain Mega, the mammoth mega-church up the road.
“Dear Pastor Pitstop:
We plan to buy your church. We need additional parking. And, we want to turn your building into a Bed and Breakfast. I am told that you have less than fifty active families. Your budget is shrinking. Your building needs a new roof. And, I have heard from one of our Controller’s new assistants, Nancy Pickee, CPA, a former member of your congregation, that you simply cannot continue without additional funding. My first, last, and final offer is this. I will give you a job as a janitor, let you stay in your run-down manse, rent free, and receive a salary of $15,000 per year until you are able to receive Social Security. In return, you must petition your denominational headquarters for permission to sell your property to me for one half the appraised value because it will be used to help a Christian religious organization.
Let me know by the end of next month.
Yours in Christ,
Minister McMacMack.
President & CEO, Mighty Mountain Mega
I don’t know what to do. My Board meeting was last night. I was going to ask them. But, we didn’t have a quorum, since Nancy Pickee, CPA had left us for Mighty Mountain Mega. I couldn’t open the meeting. And, I may lose another Board Member. Dr. John Fadfinder has been a hard-working member of our congregation. He’s a former Catholic. He joined our church for the fellowship he missed when he couldn’t get an annulment after divorcing his wife and marrying that stunning woman who’d been such a marvelously successful pharmaceutical saleswoman.
He said that we Padded Pew Perkmistianists provided him with a “safety net”. I know. You Catholics think of it as helping lost souls slide down the broad path. Anyway, Dr. Fadfinder showed me a framed clay pigeon. It was autographed by Minister McMacMack. I didn’t ask him how he got it. I didn’t want to know. I just know that I am going to be short another Board Member.
Any advice you could provide would certainly be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Pastor Travis T. Pitstop
All of us on the Editorial Board looked up from our copies of the letter that had been passed around the table. All were astonished. “The only advice we can give him is to become Catholic.”, said Bob Barnhart, our Editor-in-Chief. “That is what Catholic Fundamentalism is all about.”
“I agree.”, said Walt Wunbach, a long-time convert from the Lutherans. “Still, this is an historic moment. We are seeing the Protestant Ethic acting like a boomerang. The Protestant Establishment encouragement of economic centralization is now a weapon turned against them. Minister McMacMack and the many, many mega-churches are the Protestant equivalent of the National Biscuit Company, putting a hundred thousand small, neighborhood bakeries out of business. They are going to wipe the small, Mom n’ Pop Protestant churches out.”
All of us agreed that we really ought to ask Pastor Pitstop to consider becoming a Roman Catholic. No intermediate shilly-shallying was thought to be effective.
