The New Protestant Marketing War. For many many decades, Protestant denominations were kept afloat by donations from Catholics who left The Church and joined Protestant denominations.
As that stream of converts shrinks, 45,000 Protestant Denominations grew increasingly concerned.
“We are running out of converts from Catholicism! Our donor-driven doctrines allow fornication, easy marriages, divorces, abortion, and abortion-inducing birth control. That drives our best people back to Catholicism! Our denominations are dying!”
The new Protestant Marketing War began after Robert “Breakthrough Bob” Barker founded his new marketing firm, “New Protestants Win, Inc.”
He had “studied the market” and realized: “There are two major Market Segments within Protestantism. Only one can survive.”
His staff accountants studied demographics and cash flows. Accounting met Marketing at New Protestants Win, Inc.
“The ‘New Protestants’ can not only survive, but also, thrive, by ‘demonizing’ the ‘Old Protestants’!”
“History is our Marketing Tool! The ‘Old Protestants’ have been around since their founders were hired to invent ‘theological reasons’ to justify taking vast Catholics properties and institutions for their powerful employers. Our 44,900 ‘New Protestants’ denominations can only survive by taking ‘Old Protestants’ donors!”
Robert”Breakthrough Bob” Barker was given not one, but three Honorary Degrees from New Protestant Seminaries! (His former occupations revolved around selling hubcaps.) He could call himself “The Reverend Doctor Pastor Bob” for better marketing credibility. He told his clients:
“Our ‘New Protestants’ Marketing Strategy is based on solid, historical evidence. We have to teach people how bad those ‘Old Protestants’ were! For two hundred and fifty years, those Mainline Denominations did nothing to protect countless millions of helpless Indians from being exterminated so those in their ‘Old Protestant’ congregations could steal their land! The ‘Old Protestants’ were not warm, welcoming, and friendly, like us! We love all our neighbors who’ve been born.”
Focus groups showed that it was impossible for Lutherans, Presbyterians, Methodists, Baptists, Episcopalians and other ‘Old Protestants’ to argue with that!
“Look around!” the new Pastor Bobs were instructed to ask potential donors before asking: “Do you see any Indians around here?”
Prospective donors were told: “You have to get away from the spiritual descendants of those who would not stop the awful slaughter! You cannot support the structures built on such bloody foundations and get to Heaven! You must be in our new denominations, unsullied by such sin!”
Round One of The New Protestant Marketing War began!
