Bored Protestants are excited by the newest Protestant denomination, The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters.
The widely respected Reverend Knowal Blowhardt has an impressive resume! He is an Old Testament scholar. He’s also a semi-professional astronomer! He served as an Assistant sub-Deacon in one denomination! He led an Organizing Drive for another former denomination’s Ushers’ Union.
His deep concerns for the earth inspire him to support movements to ban drilling deeper than 602 feet for water, gas, and oil. “Deeper than that is too close to hell!” His lengthy mail-order Seminary Studies led him to focus on the many, many Old Testament references to “new moons” in The Bible.
He had a revelation! “A month with two ‘new moons’ is different from all other months! There are six regular days in the week, and months with ‘two moons’ have two holy days!” After much prayer and study, he realized that God was calling him! God had chosen him to begin a New Denomination to celebrate the importance of every Holy Month with “two new moons”!
He called his new Denomination “The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters”. It is theologically and astronomicaly profound. Months with “two new moons” are the only holy months. Pastor Blowhardt knows that no one should attend any church at all in “unholy months” that do not have “two new moons”.
People love it! “We can get into Heaven without wasting time going to church! We Six Day Plus Two Adventisters have Drive-Thru Donation Drop-Off Depositories! Every Saturday, or Sunday, or Monday, whenever it’s convenient, we just drive through and drop off our donations! We ‘Drive-Thru to Heaven’!”
Enthusiastic followers join in their Salvation Parades. On some Holy Days, they all get together and drive through towns in long lines, honking their horns! When Noise Ordinances are a problem, and they usually are, after two or three Salvation Parades, they wave banners: “6 + 2 will save U!”
Who leads their Salvation Parades? Sometimes, it’s the oldest member of the congregation. Or, it may be that month’s biggest donor! Salvation Parades are just one way they let people know: “We care about you!”
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Pastors no longer have to be bothered writing boring sermons every week. The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters aren’t bored by listening! No more mindless glad-handing! It is a monumental theological breakthrough!
Another of Pastor Knowal Blowhardt’s great contributions to Christianity? His denomination is not just another group of stale, stagnant “ians” and “ists” like Episcopalians and Methodists. The Six Day Plus Two Adventisters are vibrant, vital “istERS“!
They get things done!
Reverend Knowal Blowhardt has franchises available! Many ambitious Protestants, often from one of his former denominations, are enrolling in his seminary. It’s National Headquarters has moved to a new campus! It’s an old Drive-In Movie Theater. Seminarians drive in, turn on the speaker, listen and watch! They leave whenever they want! Easy in, easy out!
“You can make money! You don’t have to work very hard! You help people get to Heaven without being bored! It’s the best denomination there is!” explain his growing number of salesmen to prospective franchisees.
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